Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize