I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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