my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
