I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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