why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
