my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
