So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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