i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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