New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
