Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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