i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
