Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
