She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
