I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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