You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
