They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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