just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
