What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
