I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
