I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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