i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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