I got chris browned last night
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
