I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
