All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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