she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize