He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
