If that was your dad, he is hot
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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