Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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