oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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