my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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