I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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