How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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