If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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