Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
