Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I cut my penus on the lid.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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