and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize