As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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