you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
