I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
