Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
