Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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