ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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