Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
