I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
