shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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