This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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