How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
