So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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