Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
we should paint friendship bongs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
