I faked an abortion last night.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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