I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
