If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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