are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
