I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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