I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
